I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
