whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
