Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
