All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
