So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
