If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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