those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
