Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
