The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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