just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
