if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
