Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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