I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
