All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
