just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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