He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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