You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
