what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
