my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
