Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He did a backflip because drugs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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