everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
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i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.