I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.