guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
