i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
