just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
