You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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