Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
