I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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