I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
