I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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