i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
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