I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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