My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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