just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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