don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I deserve this hangover.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
