So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
