Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
