God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
