No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
