You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
