Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
