genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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