I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
