Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
