she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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