i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
