my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
a search helicopter?!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
