dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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