I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
