In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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