drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
