i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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