She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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