i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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