She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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