I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
