She is in my trunk
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
